Homeless Being Green

The Maltz watched as a homeless lady paraded down the street with a shopping cart loaded to the brim with plastic bags containing cans, bottles and boxes overflowing from the sides. At first glance I was annoyed by her lack of awareness as she essentially took over the side walk on a busy street.

But then I realized, as she went from garbage can to garbage can, the she was actually providing a service to the good of the public. Essentially, she was providing recycling sorting at no cost, recycling removal at no cost, and recycling delivery at no cost. As far as the Maltz is concerned, let 'em be.
-The Maltz

In a pickle...

Bill worked in a pickle factory.. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion: He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'

-The Maltz

First time, long time

Since its the Olympics, its only fitting to say a few words before the games end. The Maltz got to thinking about Michael Phelps and his recent accomplishments and quickly realized he doesn't envy him at all. I mean, while the opportunity to hang around girls in bathing suits all day is appealing, I think I'd get sick of drying myself off all the time. One minute you're wet, the next minute you're using a towel. Wet, dry, wet, dry. Repeat. Plus, with all that moisture going on, he must have to walk around with a ton of tough actin' Tinactin.

If The Maltz had his a chance to choose the type of Olympian he would like to be, it'd be an Archer. First of all, you can pretty much wear what you want (no tights, no banana hammock, no singlet). Secondly, the risk of pulling a hammy or tearing an ACL is minimal. You basically just go out there, fire off a few arrows at a target and then it's Miller time.

On a side note, The Maltz is finally going to eat at the famous NYC Shake Shack tomorrow. With the recent breakup of Mike and the Mad Dog, I guess its fitting to say, "First time, long time"...

Bands of Rubber

The Maltz has been thinking about rubber bands recently... and more specifically, the decline of their place in society. While not a rubber band expert, the only place I can think of where they can be found these days is wrapped around a local newspaper or on a teenager with braces. As a kid, there were always rubbber bands around, it was part of the "back to school" must have list: pens, pencils, notebooks, erasers, white out, rubber bands, etc.

I remember making giant balls out of rubber bands and I remember shooting them at people too. The latter always prompted a "it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" response. It must be tough to be a rubber band making company these days. It must be tougher to be a rubber band factory worker.

What would happen if a rubber band factory worker and a glue factory worker guy got in a fight, would the rubber band factory worker say, "I'm rubber, you're glue..."?
-The Maltz

Don't Call it a Come Back

Rumor has it that The Maltz is going to pull a Brett Favre. Stay tuned...

Game Over

This is the last post by The Maltz. A special thanks goes out to the 7 people (8 depending on the day) who read and contributed on a daily basis. Who knows, maybe The Maltz will pull a Brett Favre but for now, its time to retire.

Remember, eat bacon, pee on ice, cherish the pop of a Mamoun's bag, admire Tila Tequila, Respect the Van, Steven over Marc, and be on the lookout for Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes.