Friendship: M vs F

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
-The Maltz

Trick or Treat

Here are a few useful "tricks" that you may or may not already know. The Maltz welcomes user feedback about other "tricks" that come in handy...

• Ever pull into a gas station when driving a rental or someone else's car and not know which side the tank is on? Take a look at the gas gauge - most cars these days have a gas pump symbol with an arrow pointing either left or right. If there is no arrow, the side the image is on will be the side to fill up on.

• Pressing K on your Blackberry when using the Browser feature will automatically list your Bookmarks. R will refresh

• When typing on a computer, control C will copy, control X will cut, and control V will paste.

• In case you are ever sitting in a boatload of traffic on the approach to the Lincoln Tunnel in NJ, there is a shortcut to shave some time off getting into the city. Take the right side exit called "Last Exit In New Jersey, Weehawken, Hoboken" and make a right at the bottom of the hill. Head South towards Hoboken and you'll have a tunnel entrance on your right.

-The Maltz

Hot Town, Summer in the City

The Maltz wants to take a second to talk about NYC transportation in the summer months. Why does it have to be so damn hot down in the subway stations - doesn't heat rise? With the MTA announcing another rate hike, they better put some AC down in the rat holes. Recently it's been so hot and humid that I've been purposely going past my stop just so I can cool off. Once I reach a body temp that's comfortable, I jump out and flip around on the next train the other way. Its never more than about 4 stops. The funny thing is that I see other people doing the same thing. Also, never leave home without two bounty paper towels; 1 to get through the initial wipe down, the other for the occasional dabbing. Last bit of advice - keep an extra work shirt at the office, sometimes the pit moisture is just too much, don't fight it.

Whats the deal with the Taxi SUVs? As far as I'm concerned, they absolutely suck and they provide no value whatsoever. There is never enough leg room, the AC never makes it to the back seat because of the awkward partition (it's around the driver only) and its always so hard to pay the driver since he's boxed in. I try to avoid the SUV Taxi as often as possible and refuse to take them in the summer months - it's just too hot. Speaking of which, The Maltz always tips extra if the AC is already on when entering the taxi. Its usually such a struggle to work the AC vents in the back, you know what I mean - they never hold their place, right? - and I have to lie down in the back seat to get any air at all.

Its always such a bonus when the driver rolls up and there is no partition. The driver often exudes a sense of pride and the cleanliness and care of the car is evident. Plus, if the driver has enough loot to buy his/her own Taxi Medallion ($500,000), I'd venture to say that they know their way around the city and probably speak English.
-The Maltz

You scratch my back, I'll wash yours?

If Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes doesn't work out, The Maltz has been thinking about opening up a chain of stores that specialize in middle-back and bottom-of-the-feet washing. I don't know about you, but outside of my shoulders and my lower back I can't reach the other areas. And when you think about it, how often do you actually wash the bottom of your feet? Occasionally after the beach or in the tub but you have to admit, its rare.

Washings wouldn't be scheduled as often as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are having kids but they wouldn't be as infrequent as a Delman sample sale either. Instead, the washings would occur every 3 months or so. Postcard reminders would be sent out periodically too, like the dentist does, "it's time for your middle-back and bottom-of-the-feet washing..." Each session would last 20 minutes, include a light massage, and all materials would be organic. Pricing would look something like this:

Middle-Back wash (single): $10.00
Middle-Back wash (12-pack): $110.00
Bottom-of-the-feet wash (single): $10.00
Bottom-of-the-feet wash (12-pack): $110.00
Middle-Back wash & Bottom-of-the-feet wash Combo (single): $18.00
Middle-Back wash & Bottom-of-the-feet wash Combo (12-pack): $200.00

$200.00 duckets a year, it's a no brain-er.
-The Maltz

Riding that train, High on cocaine (if you can afford it)

The federal minimum wage rises 70 cents today from $5.85 to $6.55 per hour. If you worked 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks in a year, your annual minimum wage salary (pre-tax) would be $13,624.

On a side note, the Franklin Avenue shuttle in Brooklyn was named the most punctual train in the NYC subway system (99.7% on-time rating) on Monday. The ride takes seven minutes in total and services the 1.25-mile distance between Franklin Avenue and Prospect Park. It's often used as a connector for the 2, 3, 4, 5, B and C trains. For the record, the 42nd Street shuttle was listed as having a 100% on-time record but is not included in the annual transit figures. The 4 train was the least punctual with a 79.7% on-time rating. The take away here? Live on the west side (or get a Vespa.)
-The Maltz

Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes

It's no secret that The Maltz loves the Mega Millions. It's got nothing to do with the chase or the glory of winning - it's about hitting the jackpot and having enough money to open his dream West Village NYC restaurant, Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes.

For those not familiar with Matzah brei, it's absolutely delicious. You take Matzah (the cracker-like flat bread made from flour and water) and you soften it by pouring hot water over it. Break it up into pieces, mix in some eggs and then pan fry with butter and you're done. Some like it in the shape of an omelet, some like it cooked like scrambled eggs. Whatever your style, Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes will have it for you. The way The Maltz sees it, there will be endless possibilities:

• Matzah brei with grape jelly
• Matzah brei with fried onions
  
• Matzah brei with apple sauce
• Matzah brei with syrup
  
• Matzah brei with turkey bacon

Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes would be open for lunch and dinner in addition to weekend brunch. There would be other traditional "Deli" items on the menu like Matzah ball soup, Chicken Salad, Hot Pastrami, Burgers, Omelets, etc., but most would come for the Matzah brei. Maltz's Matzah brei and Milkshakes would be protected by Sandy, The Matzah Woman. She would wear a cute tight outfit too.

Heck, all The Maltz needs is a dollar and a dream.

Flip Flop

The Maltz has received requests for more frequent posts involving sports so here is a quick addendum to the Brett Farve saga. As reported by CNBC's Darren Rovell, the Augusta GreenJackets (Single-A affiliate of the SF Giants) will honor the retired/maybe un-retired quarterback by:

• Giving away flip flops on 8/4 to the first 100 fans in honor of Farve being a flip flopper

• Retiring Favre's jersey number (#4), only to reinstate it the next day

• Allowing any fan that purchases a ticket between now and August 3rd the opportunity to reuse that ticket for the August 4th game. Said the team's general manager Nick Brown, "just because your game is over, does not mean your game is over."

-The Maltz

The Facts of Life

Welcome to Monday:

• Only female mosquitoes bites humans and drinks their blood.
• Strawberry's are the only fruit to have seeds on the outside.
• It is common mistake to say that The Great wall of China is visible from outer space. It is too thin to be noticed from such a great distance. Only two man made structures visible from space are: The Pyramids of Giza and the Hoover Dam.
• Primates and Koala bears are the only animals to have unique finger prints.
• The Hawaiian Alphabet only contains 12 letters: a, e, i, o, u, h, k, l, m, n, p and w. Every word ends with a vowel.
  
• In Dubai, there are no taxes on income and there are no personal taxes either. Eighty percent of Dubai residents are foreigners.
• Did you know that: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
  
• WD-40 stands for Water Displacement, 40th attempt.

-The Maltz

succeeding a legend...

With the Brett Farve & Aaron Rodgers developments lingering, The Maltz thought he'd bring to your attention a great article in Sports Illustrated the week of July 7th that discussed quarterbacks who've had the not so enviable role succeeding a legend. Long story short, the article listed a bunch of quarterbacks and their subsequent failures to not only win, but to win the hearts of the fans as well.

Here is a great quote from Cliff Stoudt, who succeeded Terry Bradshaw (Steelers) in 1983 after six years as a backup. Referring to the relentless booing he received after launching almost twice as many INTs as TD passes (21 to 12) in his first year, Stoudt later said, "I tried to commit suicide, but the bullet got intercepted."
-The Maltz

Get in my bbbbbeeeeeeeellllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyy

Bacon on a stick - with fries. Mmmmmmmm.
-The Maltz

Open Bar

If The Maltz was to open a bar of his own, here is a quick list of the MUST haves:

• There would be both cold draft beer on tap and cold bottled beer. Not 1 or the other.
  
• There would be plenty of iced beer mugs and pint glasses. It's always a bonus to find the ice chip in the bottom nook of a mug - love it.
• The bar itself would be made of wood, not the phony metal warehouse look popping up these days.
  
• The bar would definitely have plenty of seating and the stools would have backs. And the seat would be able to rotate 360.
  
• There would be a foot rest the length of the bar.
• Under the bar, there would be hooks every 3 feet or so. This is probably The Maltz's favorite feature of a bar. It's so under-rated yet is so convenient. How many times are you stuck holding your briefcase and/or gym bag?
  
• There would be ice in the urinals, like at the old Bank Cafe. Nothing like drawing a smiley face to pass the time. Plus, when done properly, it keeps the splash and smell factors down. Great feature, ranking high on my list probably right after the hook.
  
• And finally, the bar would be called, Sandy's Place Too. Or is it Sandy's Place Two?

-The Maltz

Food Glorious Food

A few weeks ago, I finally got around to trying the Cheese steak at BB Sandwich Bar on W 3rd Street between 6th Ave and MacDougal. They bill themselves as "The best damn cheese steak. Period." The Maltz wasn't impressed at all - I should've gone around the corner to Mamouns instead.

The Maltz noticed a McDonald's Express on the corner of 14th and 7th in Manhattan. What's the deal with the "express" part - aren't all McDonald's supposed to be fast food?
-The Maltz

Homeless signs

The Maltz has seen a lot of homeless people with signs recently, and it seems as if they are getting more and more creative each day. There are the funny signs, "Why Lie, I Need $ to Buy Beer", the guilt signs, "It's My Birthday" and then there are the signs that are over played, "Need Another $34 in Bus Money to go back to Houston". I think someone should conduct a survey to see which is the most effective.. bottom line though, my money goes to those who don't ask. I prefer the silent beggars.
-The Maltz

mm/dd/yyyy

Whenever filling out an online application The Maltz loves it when it automatically tabs
so you don't have to manually go to the next field. This especially comes in handy for the D.O.B and Address fields. You just type in your information and it moves for you. Love it.

When you're in the middle of a story and you decide to click on a link - isn't it great when after you're done and you click back it takes you to where you were reading and not to the top of the page? This way you don't have to spend an hour scrolling to find where you left off. Love it.

The Maltz wants to know what happened to the age of ice-cream stores? In the last few months alone he's seen 3 stores close down (Mary's Dairy, Cold Stone Creamery, and Häagen-Dazs). To make it worse, it seems as if there is a Yogurt store popping up on every corner faster than Rev. Jesse Jackson can say "I want to cut Obama's nuts out".

One last note, what's with the towels at NYSC and gyms in general - can't they just make them a little bigger?
-The Maltz

Good Call

Miller Lite is stepping up to the plate for legal-drinking-age consumers by announcing that any fan who catches a grand slam home run baseball at any big-league baseball game for the rest of this season will be rewarded with free Miller Lite for one year, where legal.

For any fan lucky enough to experience that ultimate moment, send an e-mail to UltimateHR@mbco.com. Fans will be required to provide a picture of their ticket stub, a picture of the ball they caught showcasing pro baseball's insignia and proof they are a legal-drinking-age consumer. Complete rules, including details on where the program is legal, are available at MillerLite.com or by request at UltimateHR@mbco.com.

-The Maltz

Overage

In the world of The Maltz, this is how it goes:

• Coke over Pepsi
• McDonald's over Burger King (especially the fries)
• Saran Wrap over Reynolds
• Carvel over Häagen-Dazs
• Hot & Sour soup over Wonton Soup
• NBC over ABC/CBS
• Mets over Yankees, Giants over Jets, Devils over Rangers
• Pepperoni over plain
• Crest over Colgate
• AT&T over Sprint
  
• Saucony over Asics
• Wings over Chicken Fingers; Hot over Mild
• Golf over Tennis
• Strawberry over Vanilla
• Splenda over Sweet'N Low
• Continental over American
• Shawarma over Falafel
• SI over ESPN the Magazine
• 660 over 1050
  
• Huggies over Pampers (baby wipes)
• 7-up over Sprite
• Mega Millions over Quick Draw
• Firefox over IE
• Cheddar over American
  
• the red lines (1, 2, and 3) over the green lines (4, 5, and 6)
• Dunkin' Donuts over Starbucks
• UPS over DHL
  
• Sirius over XM
• Sherwood over Koho
• Miller lite over Coors lite
  
• Fall over Spring, Winter over Summer
• Snapple over Nestea, Lipton over Arizona
  
• Gillette Sensor over Mach 3
  
• Steven over Marc

-The Maltz

Picture this

Here's the only thing you have to know in advance. Dwight Howard is the only member of this team who is not sponsored by Nike...
-The Maltz

RESPECT THE VAN?

The Maltz recently had a conversation with his friend, "a very loyal reader" and The Maltz could not believe his ears. The former 1st pick of Ultra Leagues is now a mini-van man. Here is the response I got from "a very loyal reader" and the "wife of a very loyal reader":

"My family has delved into the stereotypical suburban family by leasing a mini-van. Our decision was ridiculed by many, including the Maltz himself. It was a hard decision but it was the most practical one considering we have 2 kids and lots of family who like to tag along on our day to day adventures, making extra seating necessary. Most mocked us for getting a mini-van over an SUV but seriously why would I get something with worse gas mileage, an added SUV tax, and uncomfortable extra seating? We have had the mini-van for 4 days so far and it rocks; it's so plush. The auto opening and closing of the doors is awesome. The moral of the story is those who mock the van do not know the van. RESPECT THE VAN!"

The Maltz thanks "a very loyal reader" and the "wife of a very loyal reader" for their guest blogging but the verdict remains the same - the only Van to be respected is the tan one and the Morrison.
-The Maltz

Has anyone seen my laptop?

A while back The Maltz wrote about the TSA collecting more than $1,000,000 in the past three years from airline passengers who forget coins at checkpoints.

Well, get this - a survey conducted by The Ponemon Institute claims that more than 10,000 laptops are lost or stolen each week at U.S. airports and about about 65% of them are not reclaimed - that's 338,000 laptops lost each year. At an average of $1,000 per lap top thats the same as 56,333,333 double meat shawarma's (light on the salad) from Mamouns, or 338,000,000 McChicken's from the McDonald's Dollar Menu, or 71,157,894 Jersey Breakfast's from Amazing Hot Dog...

-The Maltz

Mamouns update

The Maltz spoke to the owners of Mamouns and they should be back in business today. It's all good.

-The Maltz

Things to eat in 12 minutes or less

In honor of the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest this Holiday, here are some World records held by Joey Chestnut. The real question is, can he earn the coveted title of Amazing Hot Dog Super Hero?

• 59 Peanut Butter sandwiches in 10 minutes


• 18.5 Waffles in 10 minutes


• 118 Jalapeño Poppers in 10 minutes


• 47 Grilled Cheese Sandwiches in 10 minutes


• 212 Chicken and Vegetable Gyozas during in 10 minutes


• 9 pounds, 6 ounces of Pulled Pork in 10 minutes


• 7.05 pounds of Chicken Wings in 12 minutes


• 66 Hot Dogs and Buns in 12 minutes


• 45 Pulled Pork Sandwiches in 10 Minutes


• 103 Krystal Hamburgers in 8 minutes

-The Maltz

Midtown Glory

The Maltz would like to take a moment to thank all of you around the world who have taken the time to provide comments. The Maltz is a globally read with feedback coming in from Belgium, England, Israel, and the glory of Midtown.


Sports Note: Today is free agent day in the NHL and it looks as if the Devils will be going after some of their ex-players: Brendan Shanahan, Brendan Morrison, Bobby Holik, and Mike Commodore...

Fact: The McIlhenny family makes 720,000 bottles of Tabasco sauce a day and is celebrating the company's 140th anniversary.

Joke: "Could I try on that dress in the window?" a woman asked the shopkeeper. "Certainly," the shopkeeper replied, "but I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-The Maltz